25th february 2012 - 4 and 1/2 months on t
it’s been a while since i’ve last updated on what’s going on in my life transition-wise. and i haven’t got too much to say about physical changes really. i haven’t actually noticed big, noteworthy changes at all except my voice becoming a little unstable again. so i will talk a bit about my emotional condition.
the topic of wanting to have top surgery has grown to a big monster of a thought recently. it’s always on my mind and i begin to realize how much of a necessity it seems to be for me. it might have a lot to do with having started hormone replacement therapy and finally living my life as the guy i want to be seen as. back when i was at the very start of transition i always saw it as something that will “just happen to me someday when it’s about time”. i’ve always postponed worrying about it. now that i have my first appointment with the surgeon set in april i began to realize how much of a huge step the surgery will be in my life. i am deeply afraid of things possibly going wrong because it is an irreversible act on my physical body.
sometimes i feel like the immensity of this decision, even though i’ve already decided on it and will most likely not change my opinion, is a huge weight on my shoulders that on some days, when i feel not so well, is just too much to carry.
here’s to being human and the aftermath of it: fear.
i allow myself to be afraid and i force myself to be brave and stick it out until it’s over.
