english update: six months (and five days) on testosterone! yay!

facial changes comparison.
top: pre testosterone.
bottom: six months on t.

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a not so good picture of mah body six months on testosterone to update some of the muscle growth/body fat redistribution because someone requested new pictures a while ago.
i find it hard to take these kinda pictures without showing too much. also i haven’t been doing any physical activity for weeks now. so not much has changed i guess.

wow, finally! an english update on my transition being five months on t.

25th february 2012 - 4 and 1/2 months on t

it’s been a while since i’ve last updated on what’s going on in my life transition-wise. and i haven’t got too much to say about physical changes really. i haven’t actually noticed big, noteworthy changes at all except my voice becoming a little unstable again. so i will talk a bit about my emotional condition.

the topic of wanting to have top surgery has grown to a big monster of a thought recently. it’s always on my mind and i begin to realize how much of a necessity it seems to be for me. it might have a lot to do with having started hormone replacement therapy and finally living my life as the guy i want to be seen as. back when i was at the very start of transition i always saw it as something that will “just happen to me someday when it’s about time”. i’ve always postponed worrying about it. now that i have my first appointment with the surgeon set in april i began to realize how much of a huge step the surgery will be in my life. i am deeply afraid of things possibly going wrong because it is an irreversible act on my physical body.
sometimes i feel like the immensity of this decision, even though i’ve already decided on it and will most likely not change my opinion, is a huge weight on my shoulders that on some days, when i feel not so well, is just too much to carry.

here’s to being human and the aftermath of it: fear.

i allow myself to be afraid and i force myself to be brave and stick it out until it’s over.

german update: 16 weeks (and 3 days) on testosterone.

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so, can i just say that i love testosterone? it’s like a miracle. :D

THE EXCITEMENT. OH MA GAH.

so basically, i just came home from a shitty day at school and what did my father tell me? i’ll have my preliminary appointment for top surgery in APRIL WHAT THE HECK and then in SUMMER/AUTUMN the surgery!

WHAT IS AIR and what is happening right now, i’m about to burst into tears :DD I’M SO HAPPY and this is just oh so great.

added: also, can i just say how much i love my father for helping me so much? okay. :]

12th january 2012 - three months on testosterone! an update on the journey of my mind.

i haven’t made an update in a long time and these past weeks have been stressful as hell. but i’m glad i now found some time to rest and think about how i’ve been doing in my transition so far.
first of all, i am so glad for all the changes my mind seems to have been going through. at first i was worried about how easily i got irritable the first two months. it’s been driving me nuts, so these moods slowly going away has been taking me in good spirits again. i’ve missed this cheerfulness and now i appreciate it with all my being!

also, another reason why i’ve hated being so angry nearly all the time was the anger that i pointed at myself for it. it made me feel so self-conscious and vulnerable to the world. i feel the strongest and biggest self-esteem when i am calm and focused, not irritated like i constantly get when being aggressive. having these negative thoughts also somehow made me feel like i constantly have to prove being trans. now after watching many great videos and my mind being on the right track again i know that i don’t need society’s permission to do what i choose to do and that i don’t need any validation to be what i want to be. sometimes i just need a little reminder that it’s me who i’m doing this for, not everybody else.

my altered state of mind also has a huge impact on my health and how i feel about my body. i’ve been having a bad cold but i don’t think it’s had any negative roots; quite the contrary i think it’s just been a result of my body and mind both shaking off all the negativeness that had dwelled in me for so long. now i feel healthy, sane, alive and kicking! what a great state to be in, eh?

you guys don’t know how much i appreciate every kind message and support, understanding and good vibes you send me. thank you all for it! :]

german update: 12 weeks on t!